Workplace Bathroom Etiquette

I’ve decided that there are just two groups of people in the world. There are those that are bold and brazen enough to poop at work and those who would rather die first. Anyone who knows me knows I among the latter group.

As an outside observer, I have a few suggestions for those who decide to “download” during work hours.

To say something or not to say something: When walking out of the restroom it is not necessary to look at the person waiting for the one -seater stall you have just evacuated and say, “Oooh, sorry…” in Ace Ventura Pet Detective style. That waiting person crossing her legs and doing the tinkle dance will figure it out soon enough and if you haven’t said anything it’s possible they might assume those noxious fumes are the work of the person before you. Unlikely, but possible.

To spray or not to spray: This is a toughie. While nobody wants to smell the full strength of your workplace transgression, I spend way too much money on Dolce and Gabanna “Light Blue” to leave the communal can smelling like your great granny’s cloud of White Shoulders perfume. And truthfully the spray is not so much eliminating the olfactory assault as it is adding an extra layer of sensory torture. Scientifically speaking, this just forges a link in the brain that tells us that when we smell air freshener the next smell we’ll encounter is eau de co-worker and whatever they ate most recently. Ewww…

To call the custodian or not to call the custodian: We’ve all had the gut-wrenching, gag-inducing experience of walking into the restroom for a just in case trip and being greeted with a swirling mass of disgustingness that just won’t flush and the smell of funk so thick in the air that a loss of consciousness is eminent. My work best friend (WBF) and I experienced this last week. After offending her with a look that said, “Was it you?” She and I happened upon our principal with his walkie-talkie and said in unison, “We didn’t do it, but the bathroom’s plugged up.” He graciously called the custodian after a brief bout of laughter. In the unlikely event that you plug up the toilet, bite the bullet and fess up. You did it. Admit it and call the custodian.

Finally, I know from years of research and experience that these things can be controlled. The key is: drink more coffee and drink it earlier – AT HOME!